


Nemo malus felix

by florencedrunk



Series: The March 2017 Stucky Challenge [31]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Depression, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, War Veteran Bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 09:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10510755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florencedrunk/pseuds/florencedrunk
Summary: "How far have you gone?" Steve asks, biting his tongue the second he hears the words leave his mouth.Bucky doesn't answer right away. His eyes are fixed on the razor blade lying on the edge of the sink, as if he wanted to make it disappear just by looking at it. He's pulling the sleeve of his shirt down his arm, and Steve's blood boils at the thought of what's underneath the fabric."You really don't want me to answer that," he says, then.447. guilt





	

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I can't believe I actually went from not writing anything at all for the last six months to posting something on here every day for a whole month. I feel really proud of myself.
> 
> Then, I'd like to thank every person who commented or left a kudos in any of these 31 works. You're really awesome and I love you.

"How far have you gone?" Steve asks, biting his tongue the second he hears the words leave his mouth.

Bucky doesn't answer right away. His eyes are fixed on the razor blade lying on the edge of the sink, as if he wanted to make it disappear just by looking at it. He's pulling the sleeve of his shirt down his arm, and Steve's blood boils at the thought of what's underneath the fabric.

"You really don't want me to answer that," he says, then.

"I think I really do, actually."

"Look, don't worry, I—"

"Don't worry?" Steve snaps. "How can you say that to me, after all we've been through?"

Bucky lets out a bitter laughs. "You haven't been through what I've been — you don't know what it means."

"Explain, then," he pleads. "Make me understand."

"It doesn't work like that, and..."

"And what?"

"This is not fair," Bucky whispers.

"What isn't?"

"You caring," he says. "Why can't you hate me like everybody else? I know for a fact it's not that hard."

"Nobody hates you, Bucky."

"I do," he says. "I hate myself. How could I not, after all the things I've done?"

"Buck—"

"I killed people, Steve. I killed people, like it was nothing, like it was some fucking game. I looked into the gunsight and pulled the trigger. I watched people fall to the ground, and I didn't even question what I was doing."

"That's not your fault."

"That's not the point," he cries out. "I just— I can't stop thinking about it, can't stop picturing _their_ eyes in my sleep. It's like — it's like I'm trapped. I just want it to stop."

Steve takes a step forwards and takes Bucky into his arms. Bucky buries his head into the crook of his neck, and Steve feels him shuddering in his embrace, feels the wetness of his tears on his skin.

"Please, Buck, you know there are people that can help you," Steve says. "And there's me. I'm not going anywhere — not ever."

They stay like that for a while, Steve patting Bucky's back, leaving small kisses on his neck, whispering soothing words into his ear, until Bucky stops sobbing.

"I wish I knew how to forget you — or how to make you forget me." Bucky says. "Or that I was strong enough not to think of how you'd feel if I actually killed myself."

Steve holds him tighter, wishing there was some way to reach this part of Bucky that made him feel bad and pull it out of him; wishing there was a way to turn time back, to save him; wishing he knew what to actually do, right now.

"You're the only thing keeping me alive," Bucky confesses. "And I hate you for it."

**Author's Note:**

> If you have questions or just want to say hi you can find me on [tumblr.](http://florencedrunk.tumblr.com)


End file.
